I have learned a lot over the last 18 months. Some of it bad, some of it good. All of it useful. Some of what I have I have learned has show me my terrible decisions and what I need to do to avoid repeating them. Some of it has to do with other people.
The thing I am going to talk about here is something that I wasn’t sure about, but life has shown me what I need. I need to be The One. No, I don’t mean I need to be your one. But I need to be her one. In case you happen to be wondering that is Lillith.
Once upon a time I was in a non monogamous relationship with Molly and Cara. Both of those relationships ended as I was systematically ruining things. Then I met Lillith, well, met her online, but since my last relationships started that way and had many happy and joyful moments I was not reluctant to try again. To be honest our conversations were not about starting a relationship but just that of two people getting to know each other. We talked about many different things including our relationships and D/s and one of the conversations we had was about how many people we were comfortable having relationships with, specifically in a D/s context. She wrote The One and Only in response to that conversation. At the time I wasn’t sure what the future would hold for me and it took a while to start to work that out.
What I worked out is this. I don’t want to be AN option. I want to be your ONLY option. This is not saying that other choices are bad or invalid, just that this is my choice. That word choice has come to mean a lot. It applies to so many aspects of what we are.
We choose to be Dom and sub. We choose to be lovers, friends, partners and whatever else the future holds. We choose it over and over, whens things are going well, we things are going poorly, in all ways. That is something that I think I had lost, or forgotten about. That you need that person in your life to know that you make that choice over and over and that you will continue to make that choice each and every day.
After much thinking and talking and arguing and being angry or upset with each other we have found out that at the end of it all that we are what we want. Not as part of something that includes other people, not as just a part of our lives. But as the foundation of everything. I don’t want to be someones casual play partner. I would rather do without than be that. That doesn’t mean that I might not be a stunt arm from time to time, but it does mean that the only person I want to be my sub is her. And if I am really lucky she will chose me to be the only person that is her Dom.
That makes me happy. That doesn’t make it easy because we are far apart and that means there will be times of frustration and yearning. That is just the way of LDR. It would be much simpler if we each didn’t mind and could find someone close by to do that with. But now I know, that for me, it just wouldn’t fulfill me. No one but her ticks all my boxes and I don’t want to find out how many other people it would take to do that.
I know that many will read this and shake their heads at how I am just buying into monogamy because that is the norm. But I have tried the other way and that didn’t work and frankly if you think that I am doing it wrong, well you are wrong, I am doing it right, for me, for us.
Obviously nothing in life is guaranteed and any number of things could derail all of this, but in the end it won’t change what I have learned about what I need. That I need to be her choice, her first choice, and I will be the same for her. Because I now know that I need it all and want it all and she gives it to me.
I am not AN option.
Personally I think monogamy vs polyam is just personal. One is no better than the other, both can be healthy and both can be very not healthy.
I’m glad you’ve figured out what you want.
Relationship styles come in so many different packages.
I know that what works for Sir and myself is different to a lot of people, and that’s good. I am his one submissive, He is my one Dominant. We both have freedom elsewhere, options of you like. But neither of us is an option for the other. I never considered this style would work for me but it does. Safe, secure, content. In a way that monogamy has never been able to provide.
And I’m glad you’ve found what works for you 🙂
As you may know, I am intensely non-monogamous, but when it comes to D/s, I can and will only submit to Him and I expect the same in return; He will have no other subs. There is simply too many layers to D/s for me to be able to share that kind of relationship with more than one person. Only He has the key that unlocks that truth in me. I’m so happy to hear that you have found that balance you need, even if it’s an LDR, though you two seem to make it work and make it look easy. Happy for both of you, love to both of you.