I have written before (on the other site) about my thoughts on love and D/s. To recap briefly for the new people here I find that for me, those things go hand in hand. Others don’t feel the same way and that is cool. It just isn’t how I feel.
Love
We will start with love. I have learned that I over commit to love. That I focus far to much on that person being all thing to me and that is bad. I am trying to come to terms with that and see how I can find a new definition to love, so that I don’t make that a toxic thing for me and those that I give my heart to. I am an old man and this transition will be hard but I can’t just keep repeating these mistakes over and over. It isn’t fair to them or to me. If you have any advice on how I can accomplish this goal, please do let me know in the comments.
Sex
Once upon a time I was homeless and picked up women for someplace warm to sleep, a shower and if I was really lucky, breakfast. I did this for a lot of months and it showed me that I really need to love the person I am having sex with. It felt shallow and meaningless and I knew from previous experience that it could be so much more that bumping genitals (This is not to cast aspersions on anyone else, this is just about me) and so once I was in a place where I had a permanent roof over my head, I stopped just sleeping with anyone that I didn’t feel a connection with. After I got married (The first time) we did have occasional threesomes, and that was fun, but only because I was sharing that with someone I was in love with. So if you are looking for a one night stand, I think I might be a bad choice. Not that I think you want me anyway, after all, I wouldn’t sleep with me 😉
D/s
I can be someone’s top without love, But I don’t enjoy it as much as D/s. It is more like feeling pride in a job well done. But when I love the person it takes it to a whole other level. It creates the feedback loop of connection that really makes BDSM work for me. And D/s is just the same. Maybe I am broken, but I need more than just a casual thing. I want something that extends the love to another part of our lives. I have found that D/s brings something I have never encounter before in my life. A richness that I didn’t even know I was missing when I didn’t have it. I will always be grateful to the woman that showed me that about myself. I also owe a debt to the other woman who showed me what it was like to be a Daddy Dom. Another thing I didn’t know until that happened.
Next?
That is the tough question. How I filled those needs in that past won’t work in the future and I need to address that. I have failed many times already and I am no longer a young man. Finding the person or people that can fit in my life in some fulfilling way that also makes them happy will be tricky. I am talking with someone new and so far it seems to be going well, but it is very new and has complications of its own. But it is a step, and I am enjoying it very much. I know I need D/s in my life, it has become part of who I am. Life is complicated for everyone and in a lot of ways my life is extremely complicated right now and to be fair the only reason I am making it through is because of the amazing women in my life. I need to find out what I need, what the people in my life need and see if I can stitch together something that works for everyone. And that includes me.
Michael
I’ll be interested to read about where the future takes you and how you use what you have learned to make yourself a happier future. I’m not sure I’d worry about overcommitting, though. If you love in a deep and all consuming way…that’s how you love. Find someone who needs that and appreciates what you can offer. Just my 2 cents.
[…] Like every other other time it was something that I found while I wasn’t looking for it. My plan was to spend time being single and concentrating on other aspects of my life. After all life has been tumultuous for me recently. But the universe laughs when we make plans. Who am I to buck the universe? So here I go again falling in love. […]
[…] I need to be her choice, her first choice, and I will be the same for her. Because I now know that I need it all and want it all and she gives it to […]