I don’t even need to finish that sentence and you know what I mean. There are a lot of idioms about home but the one that has always rung true for me is “Home is where the heart is.” That has almost always meant that I was living with the person I was in love with and for 38 years that has been the case and where we lived didn’t matter. City, country, house, apartment, hovel or a empty refrigerator box under an overpass, the circumstances didn’t matter because all of those things are temporary. After all if you are happy what else matters?
I have always had a complicated relationship with home, the home I grew up in wasn’t exactly brimming with love and affection. So when I started my own life as an adult (Yeah, I know, most will wonder when I will become an adult) I tried to show love and care as much as I could. My first marriage lasted 28 years and it was home and for all of the ups and downs it was better than my life growing up. I tried to show my own children what home meant and I think I may have had some success. The last ten years have brought me to another home and again I did my best to make it home for me and everyone else involved while it lasted.
Now I find myself in unfamiliar territory. I have a place I live and I live with people that care for me and about me. But it isn’t home anymore and I don’t quite know where home will be. I know I will live somewhere else but my heart won’t be there, it will 504.8 miles and one timezone to the East of me. That isn’t going to change. Through a complicated set of circumstances home isn’t going to be where my heart is.
And maybe that is a good thing, maybe it is time to separate those things, heart and home. To learn what it means to live on my own without the person I love just a few steps away from me. Perhaps I will grow as an independent person, that life mostly on my own will allow me to less involved in a life of two and learn that love at a distance can be home too.
We will find out together, she and I and by reading, you will find out too. Life has become a perplexing and difficult in recent years, changes I thought I would never see have come to pass, both personally and for the world as a whole. It seems now is a perfect time to try wildly new and different things since we all have to live will the possibility that tomorrow will never come and yesterday absolutely will never come back.
I have made brilliant new friends and found a new love so I think this is my moment to redefine what home mean to me. Maybe home needs to mean taking bold steps forward. I mean, at this point, what have I got to lose?
P.S. I love you my Lillith