I have been thinking about co dependency a lot. I read up on the many many books and articles about what it is, how to break free from it and how bad it is for you. The thing is, I am not sure I agree with that completely. Yes, it can be bad and controlling and destroy lives in many cases. But it has become to be cast in a completely negative light. That being dependent on another person is always a bad thing.
No person, except maybe a hermit, is completely independent. We all rely on others for certain parts of our existence. When we are children we are dependent on, our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our coaches, well, you get the point. As we move through our early years these are the people that help us build the base of our lives. But it isn’t a one way street in one way or another these people are dependent on us too.
As we get older those relationships and dependencies change. We think we are becoming independent but we still need the support of other people. Even I, who was homeless in my teen years. and cut off from my family completely, would not have made it through without the support of my friends. But even in those circumstances I helped the people around me and helped build their base as they helped me build mine.
Then we have children of our own, or we don’t, but we have a dog, or a cat, or an iguana. Because we like those having things or people to take care of, to love and to give us love as we continue building our lives. Adding to what has gone before. Learning what we need and what those that depend on us need. As we get older our web of connections and yes, even dependencies grows.
Then you get old, so does everyone else, your kids have kids and your parents are now depending on you for help and people you love die, and still the web of connections continues. That is just life. All of us part of each others live inextricably bound into a complicated tangle. And of course it isn’t all good. There are people that use and take and never give and there are people who do give and take but in a way that leads to a lifetime of bad decisions. But that doesn’t mean that we should avoid it. Each of us needs others, to depend on and to depend on us.
Now I get to the part where I talk about D/s. A Dom and a sub find in each other the thing that compliments them and if that match is close enough they become codependent. That can be a good thing or that can be a destructive thing. But for me, part of what I need in that other person is the desire to become the best version of themselves and that person should want the same for me. To drive ourselves and each other to reach for our dreams and desires. To build a stable foundation that can withstand the vicissitudes of life, as partners. Each bringing their skills and talents to make something more than one can achieve on their own.
Something more, than a house of cards.
You can read Lillith’s far more cogent thoughts on this subject on her blog.