If you didn’t know this already, I have ED. You might wonder why this is something anyone would write a blog post about. I have decided to talk about this exactly because very few men do talk about it. It comes down to shame.
So much of the male psyche is based on our penis. We have been told all our lives that what makes us men are those bits between our legs. How big those bits are, how often we stick those bits in other people and how satisfied we make other people with those bits.
The result of all of this is that when those bits don’t measure up, or worse, don’t function we think that we are not men anymore. I know this the case because that is what I thought. I thought that because that is the only message men get, from other men from society and as much as I hate to say this but from women too. The number of tweets that I see that mock men for penis size considering the type of people I follow is frankly surprising. The message is reinforced for our whole lives. That the things that make us men are all based around our prowess, are we strong enough, do we make enough money and then of course, can we fuck like a man?
None of this excuses male behavior, I am just attempting to show how much pressure men are under to be “manly” so that when the one part that above all else we have been told makes us a man fails to work just how devastating that can be. It is the ultimate failure and talking about our failures would be to show others that we have failed and that is something that most men would rather die than show.
Which is exactly why I decided to write this. To let other men know that not only is it okay to talk about this, you need to talk about this. We are are not men because we have a penis, whether it works or not, whether it is big or small or even not there at all. You can still please your partner even when your dick isn’t working like it should. That is why there are fingers, tongues, toys and creative minds.
While I don’t know for sure I suspect that my ED came from a combination of things. Stress, poor health, not enough exercise. But regardless of the reason it happened and I felt ashamed. I didn’t want to discuss it and it made me lose my desire to have sex again. Once it happens you get in a vicious circle of self doubt and avoidance of sex to make sure it doesn’t happen again. If you don’t try there then it can’t go wrong, so you don’t.
I can tell you from personal experience that this doesn’t work. You have to share what is going on with your partner and work together to find a way to enjoy the full and rich sex life you can have. Or, you can do what I started to do and shut down so completely that you might as well be absent.
Yes, indeed there are medical treatments that can help. I had to work on a few health issues before I could even try the little blue pill. Even when I got my blood pressure down enough it really didn’t help and that was a blow too.Then things got really got really complicated, relationships ended and life became a sex free zone. So I tucked the little blue pills away and wondered if I would get a chance to try them again. Now I did try something else. I got a JETT and I gave it a try and while the first time I used it I didn’t get an erection, but I did have an orgasm, so that was a win. Every time I used after that I noticed that things were becoming a bit firmer each time.
Then I met Lillith and we spent a wonderful 48 hours getting to know each other. As you might suspect my ED weighed heavily on my mind prior to our getaway. I had, of course, discussed my issues with her beforehand and let her know that my helper meds would be coming along. It turns out that I didn’t need them. I couldn’t tell you exactly why, was it that I was healthier? More confident? Was it the rumbly penis vibrator? Was it her?
In the end it doesn’t matter and I hope that even if I’d had troubles I still would have come away feeling that I had satisfied her and that in her eyes (and mine) I would still have been a man.
Do you have a story to share about your ED and how it has impacted you? Please leave a comment or DM me on Twitter because it is time that we took the shame out of this.
A difficult subject Michael and you’re right to try and get it discussed more. Trouble us we men are pretty rubbish when it comes to these matters. Ed (and may I add premature ejaculation) just isn’t talked about how it should. But why would we, we ‘man up’, ‘grow some balls’ and push all those feelings away.
Yes, it does need to be destigmatized. So good for you for blogging about it. Mr. D had some trouble last year and ended up with testosterone replacement therapy. It helps, but even now, He usually doesn’t get as hard as He used to. And He doesn’t want sex as often as He used to. It doesn’t make Him less of a man in my eyes, but I know it stresses Him out (which may exacerbate the problem).
What a strong post about such an important issue.
And yes, the more you stress about it, the more it will play up. I am not the owner of such genitals, but that’s what would have happened with me.
I am happy you have resolved it for now. Thank you for sharing your story.
Great post, and a really important discussion to have about stigma and stereotypes around ‘manhood’.
I have ED.
I am one of the fortunate ones for whom the little blue pills work, and work well. I often get a headache a couple of hours afterwards, but it’s worth it.
I hate the stigma – it’s ridiculous and shameful.