Another point of view

Hello. Please refer to your blog, the section of your recent post entitled “Love.” That’s what I’m writing to you about. Some time ago I went through the breakup of a long-term relationship and although my situation had differences, I faced, and am still facing, many of the life/love themes that you are struggling with now. It’s a long and winding road to get somewhere – anywhere – from where you are, but of course you will and there will even be unexpected joys along the way. That is not to minimize the pain and desolation that will torment you. Just know they’re not permanent, which nevertheless will probably make no difference right now, I guess. I’m truly sorry for your pain. So. Regarding your blog post. I too am a lover, with every fiber of my being. Do you think it’s even possible to change to become a…what, a lesser lover? Isn’t there legitimacy in being someone who loves fully, honestly and vulnerably? There are others like us – should we all change to fit in better with others who love differently, or who have constructed walls and safeguards and bubbles around themselves to avoid being hurt? Yes, we hurt. I’ve hurt so deeply I almost thought the love that came before that hurt wasn’t worth it – almost. But compared to the lesser joy of loving less fully… Well, I wouldn’t have changed a thing, and won’t in the future. Unless you present a good enough argument to support your theory that your way of loving should be changed, that I decide to apply it to myself, breathe a sigh of relief, and batten down my own love hatches to avoid the possibility of future pain commensurate with limitless love. I’ve been operating under the assumption that I am what I am in how I love, and that I must be true to my base instincts and operate as I always have, when I decide (or it’s decided for me by my heart) to be in a love relationship again. Which, frankly, leaves me fearful – that I will find such an all-consuming love with someone again and eventually end up devastated once more, or more often I fear that I will never find it again at all. But despite those fears, I just haven’t considered trying to be any other way. That’s why I’m thinking about and writing to you about your post. Do you really think you can change how you love, without it being a defense mechanism of constructing walls around your heart to avoid feeling pain, which being in is, after all, an inevitable human condition…? Is loving as you’ve known it and as I’ve known it really just a dysfunction that needs to be overcome? My psyche feels very sad just considering that it could actually be a possibility – that what I’ve always thought made me special could be just a defect to be overcome. I realize that your conclusions do not apply to me and that we are different people in different situations as well. But I’m interested in discussing, with an eye toward personal understanding and growth, if anything I’ve said inspires you to reply.

My Thoughts

I will start simply by saying thank you, your message was a wonderful gift. To have such a thoughtful and insightful reply to my post has given me much to think about. So now it is my turn to try and write a cogent response.

Regarding your blog post. I too am a lover, with every fiber of my being. Do you think it’s even possible to change to become a…what, a lesser lover?

I get what you are saying here and is it possible to change? I think it is, but the question is, is it the right thing to do? As for the lesser lover part, well that is tricky too. I have always been an optimist and I always thought I would remain one. So I don’t want to say “lesser lover” so much as to keep some of my heart in reserve, not so much to protect my heart, but I have been told that the way I practice love is toxic. That the jealousy and fear that underpins my love isn’t healthy and I am not sure how to separate those things.

Isn’t there legitimacy in being someone who loves fully, honestly and vulnerably? There are others like us – should we all change to fit in better with others who love differently, or who have constructed walls and safeguards and bubbles around themselves to avoid being hurt? Yes, we hurt. I’ve hurt so deeply I almost thought the love that came before that hurt wasn’t worth it – almost. But compared to the lesser joy of loving less fully… Well, I wouldn’t have changed a thing, and won’t in the future.


There is absolutely legitimacy in that kind of love and while I agree that I don’t want to be one of those who are distant about matters of the heart, or to wall my heart in (I am not sure I could build that wall high enough even if I wanted to) But maybe there is a middle way that doesn’t cause myself and other quite so much pain to love, and be loved by me? As for what I do in the future, well, I wish I had the surety that it would go any better. Perhaps when things aren’t quite so fresh I will come to agree with you. I hope so.


Unless you present a good enough argument to support your theory that your way of loving should be changed, that I decide to apply it to myself, breathe a sigh of relief, and batten down my own love hatches to avoid the possibility of future pain commensurate with limitless love. I’ve been operating under the assumption that I am what I am, an all or nothing girl who must be true to my base instincts and operate as I always have, when I decide (or it’s decided for me by my heart) to be in a love relationship again.


I would never suggest that what might be good for me would be good for anyone else. Especially in my current state. I am not sure of anything to do with love right now except for one thing. I need time, time to think, heal and re-evaluate so many things. I still have part of one relationship remaining and I know that I need to pay more attention to finding out what the new version of that relationship might look like. There are new possibilities (maybe) on the horizon and they need thought and reflection too.

Which, frankly, leaves me fearful – that I will find such an all-consuming love with someone again and eventually end up devastated once more, or more often I fear that I will never find it again at all. But despite those fears, I just haven’t considered trying to be any other way. That’s why I’m thinking about and writing to you about your post. Do you really think you can change how you love, without it being a defense mechanism of constructing walls around your heart to avoid feeling pain, which being in is, after all, an inevitable human condition…? Is loving as you’ve known it and as I’ve known it really just a dysfunction that needs to be overcome? My psyche feels very sad just considering that it could actually be a possibility – that what I’ve always thought made me special could be just a defect to be overcome.


That is the Catch-22 of all of this. Will we find what our hearts desire, what we think will fulfill us? If we do, will it last, or will we find ourselves back in this same spot? Doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over? I hope that you are right and that what makes you, and maybe me special is not a defect. Maybe just a rarity. Other times when the feelings well up in me, I wish that I could just be like so many other people I see and love in a way that wasn’t quite so risky for everyone.

Once again I want to thank you for sending this and helping my brain look and focus on these things. Please don’t hesitate to send me another message to continue this conversation 🙂

And for the rest of you people who have waded through this. You can always comment or DM me.

Michael

Photo by Mishal Ibrahim on Unsplash

1 thought on “Another point of view”

  1. I think there are many ways to love and you love the way you do. Both MrH and I are possessive and jealous lovers, we don’t, can’t and won’t share. It’s right for us, and we won’t compromise on that.

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