As a submissive, you’re in control.
I might start to sound like a broken record. We agree on so many things that she recently said “Btw, I’d like to find a d/s topic we disagree on.” Sadly this is not that occasion. In her post Out of Control Lillith has once again said the things that I feel too.
But in case it needs saying again, here are my thoughts.
You don’t do D/s on your own. It is a team effort. Saying that either the sub or the dom is the one that is in control is to denigrate the power that both sides bring to the party. After all it is a power exchange that creates the frisson, so both people bring there equality to the relationship and then you decide together how to create a new balance of power. The sub decides what power to give up and the dom decides if they are comfortable having that power.
And that balance ebbs and flows depending, well, on everything. Health, mood, local life, hell even the temperature. You need to be ready for those changes, because everything changes and is not set in stone. To say that a relationship of any kind is forever unchanging is in my opinion to doom it to failure and I have made that mistake before.
So yes, the submissive has the control, just as much as the dom does in deciding what goes on between those people. Shared, together, learning and growing in every way that your relationship allows. These are our lives,after all, not some piece of fiction where the sub is a piece of property and the dom is the all knowing master. As much fun as that is in a kink moment (and it is a great deal of fun) it isn’t something that I could sustain in my whole life, not even if I was the billionaire featured in so many erotic books and movies.
We both need things that are our goals outside of d/s, while at the same time always remembering that we are d/s. I want her to have dreams and aspirations and to help her to accomplish them. I want to be proud of what an amazing woman that she is and all that she has done and I want to be the man that she is proud of.
We are, as I have said so many times before, partners and that includes our whole lives… and our d/s is part of that.
Control is what we share in that relationship. So who is the boss? We both are.