A dominant person recognizes a submissive person…#NTW
…not with the eyes, but with the whole being.
Lillith and I have recently returned to our respective abodes from two glorious weeks in Fromage, France. While we were there we talked about so many different things and one of them was this prompt. I may have explained my point of view poorly since she believes we hold differing views on this, we shall see after this post.
I will start with the thing about this quote that sets me on edge. The continuing need to set d/s as something “better” than non d/s relationships. That somehow the dom has some sort of subby radar and can spot a sub with their eyes closed if they are in a ten block radius. I am also not a fan of the implication that they alone see with more than just their eyes.
While I do think that non kink enabled people can learn something from good d/s practices that learning isn’t handed down from d/s heaven. It is something that I have always tried to bring to all my previous relationships before I knew that d/s was even a thing that was allowed. I take all those lessons from those earlier encounters and bring then to my d/s too.
Kindness and care and love, empathy and respect all have a place in interactions between all people.
Now, can I, or any dom, spot a sub by just looking at them? Well, my answer is, sometimes. Because how people present themselves and carry themselves in the world can be clues to help people around them know something about them without a word being said.
How you dress can communicate a message you want to send to the world (one of the reasons I hate dressing “professionally”) now that sometimes that message is a projection and not the reality, but sometimes people are bold enough to show just who and what they are by how they dress.
Is this always reliable? Hell no, and I would never use that as my sole way of assessing someone.
Here is where we get to point two of my post.
Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.
All groups, tribes, clans, cliques and all they ways that humanity self define their place in societies have a secret language to make it easier to pick like minded folks out from the vast sea of humanity that surrounds of.
A tattoo that carries a hidden meaning. A collar that makes something obvious. Symbols that represent the many facets that we all have. Religious jewelry, a headscarf, even hairstyles and colors are forms of unspoken communication. Things that are shouting who they are, or that whisper of potential commonality are part of how we communicate without saying anything at all.
The thing I try to do is to do the thing that I have seen many others not do is pay attention, and know that there is always more to learn. I should mention that while all of these signs may tell you something, they don’t tell you everything. The next step is of course to spend time, real time, real attention talking to someone and finding out if what their coded messages mean to them. And of course, when I say talk what I mean is listen.
Let them tell you and don’t spend your time thinking about what that means to you, but what it means to them. If they are people who really want to connect they will do the same for you, once you show them that you actually want to know them.
Then and only then can you truly see them for what they are. Because that is what we (or at least I) want. To been seen and accepted for who and what I truly am.
To see and be seen with our whole being.
I am sure to most people this post is clear as mud, but it means something to me and if you don’t get it that is OK. So long as she gets it and if this doesn’t do it then I will take the time and care to talk about this and everything else that we want to.