The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves.Steven Spielberg
There is a delicate balance that needs to be maintained when miles, and time and circumstances keep you and your partner in filth apart. We both work hard at finding just the right spot where we can keep local life and our relationship where it works.
It isn’t easy to do that. Our d/s is made of rules that we have both agreed to. Those rules however aren’t set in stone because that just wouldn’t work for either of us. We both have busy lives and many responsibilities. Flexibility has to be baked in. Whatever the future brings it will never be the life of strictly structured TPE. It can’t be.
This means constant communication and adjustment to fit everyday. It also means that I often have to make decisions and choices on the fly. Did she mean to break a rule, or is local life preventing her for doing what we have agreed on? Is now the right time to be strict or would it be better to just let it slide?
Being her dom means I have to look at everything and try to judge what I think is the best thing for her all of the time and that doesn’t always mean that I should punish her right then and there. It gets even more complicated because we are not in the same space where I can judge by many of the cues I have used in the past. While we are in touch throughout the day it is almost always by text and the nuance of verbal and body language clues are lost.
It would be much simpler if the rules were the rules and that the consequence were always the same. But that is just simpler and not better. I don’t want that, I want to be the best dom I can be for her. We both deserve that.
On the other hand I know that letting things slide too much doesn’t work either. It leads to us saying we are d/s, but not living up to our commitment to each other. Our relationship is love and d/s bound up into one glorious tangle and I don’t think either of us would want that to change.
So I spend every day trying to find that moving target of balance. Is this needed dominance, or too much? Or just the right amount, but at the wrong moment? How much is too much and how little is too little?
There is no definitive answer here and there never will be, and there shouldn’t be. This is a journey and not a destination and that is what makes it last, the never ending evolution of what we are to ourselves and to each other.
So when I am unsure how to react I stop for a bit. I consider what is the best way forward. I will get it wrong, I know. I will sometimes get it right. All of that is life and part of the path we have chosen to travel. So long as we both know that we travel it together and know that we are doing our very best we will be just fine.
Just in case you are reading the quote I started with in a different way than I intended I just want to tell you that it is not me mentoring her. We are mentoring each other and building something that fits us, not just today but tomorrow, and all the days to come.
None of this is a complaint. Love is complicated, d/s is complicated, life is complicated. We just need to keep our balance, or at least keep trying.