This is a long and probably disjointed post about the power of no. We were having a conversation the other day, I don’t even remember what silly thing I was talking about, I am sure she does(I went back and looked and it was about adding to the number of pushups she has to do), but what was important about this conversation was that she said “No”. I told her that no wasn’t the right word when she didn’t want to do something, or when she wanted to stop. That we had a special word for that, a word to keep her safe and that same word also kept me safe. Now I have rather unique perspective about safewords. I haven’t encountered anyone else that uses them in quite the same way. This is not to say that my way is the right way or the only it is just my way.
Lillith and I don’t have a 24×7 D/s, she has always said that she didn’t see how it was possible or feasible given the distance and other obstacles. There is also the completely valid point that she is unsure about giving up that much control over her life and independence and losing her identity and feminism. I get that. 24×7 D/s can seem both exciting and scary all at once and the ramifications need to be carefully weighed and considered. This is not something to enter into lightly. It means all that same level of commitment to me. To be a sub 24×7 means to place your heart, and body and all that you are in the hands of another and you need to be sure that the person you choose is worthy of that. I have failed at being the right person for someone else and so I understand how just on that level how it might be hard to trust me that completely. For me it isn’t a simple thing either. I am agreeing to be the person in charge of someone else’s life. Their well being, physically, emotionally and sexually. Not just sometimes, but every single minute of every single day.
All of this brings us to the word no and our conversation where I made her use her safeword instead. Let me make something clear right now. She does still get to say no. Anytime she wants to say no. But in the context of our D/s relationship that has consequences that it doesn’t in ordinary relationships. While she hasn’t given me complete control of her life (and even in 24×7 I am not sure that we will ever do TPE) within our mutually negotiated parameters I have control over various aspects of her life.
When she said no to me in the context of a potential punishment change it felt to me like she was trespassing in an area of our lives where she has put me in charge, so I told her that if she wanted to object that she had to use her safeword. I know to many this is unusual. Most seem to use their safeword system only in the context of play (what I now call moments) and that for some it is a source of pride to never have had to use their safe word. This is not how I think it should work. For me the principle of safewords is to keep us both safe and not just in kink moments, but in all of life.
My Dominance is not a part time thing for me. I can’t turn it off. That doesn’t mean I need to Dom all the people I encounter in life, just the ones that want to submit to me and I have agreed to accept their submission. Even when there are fights and disagreements where people need to fully express their opinions freely D/s still exists for me. What that means is that the expectations of how we treat each other are still in place. See for me D/s never means suppressing the subs desires and personality, if fact quite the opposite. I want her to always be able say all the things she is feeling and thinking. That her submission is a conscious aware choice that she makes in the good times and in the bad. When things are easy and when they are not. That we will always frankly communicate how we feel and what we need and desire.
When you think about how to live a life that contains the mundane and the kinky it can be hard to see how these things can share the same space, to see how you can maintain D/s as a constant when life brings you so many challenges that you must face as equals and maybe that is where my views on D/s are quite the same as others. For we are equals, submission does not diminish that nor does Dominance it just means that we have decided on a structure that is not fixed and unchanging except for the fact that she has given me this power over her life. What that means is a an ever changing ever evolving dance that is reviewed every single day.
And as it stands now (for me) no is not an answer to a task or a kink moment. It is asking me to put aside what I am, what happens now is that we need to decide together when something is a task or a moment and not a mundane part of life where no is the right answer. We will find that balance together and have a lifetime of exchanges to work it all out, today, tomorrow and all the days to come. For now I will encourage her to use her safeword when there is any doubts, about anything, in any circumstance. To keep me safe so that I know where her limits are and to keep her safe so that I do no harm.
Michael
So while we don’t always do it in a serious context, I do kind of use my safeword with JB when I mean “No” in non-play contexts. It’s how he knows I’m serious about my no, and not just joking in the way we’ve developed over time. When he says, “Do this” (outside of play) and my entire being revolts at the thought of it, I am happy to throw out “Red!” (our safeword) because it makes the seriousness of my rejection very clear. And that’s the first time I’ve ever really thought about what we do, so thank you for sharing your experience so I could think about that.